Practicing What We Preach
Have you ever paused to consider how you respond to discomfort? Do you know what situations scare or trigger you? And if so - how do you react?
So often we find it difficult to purposely look into those dark places. And we get it – it’s scary there! They can hold a whole host of gremlins – shame, insecurity, vulnerability, uncertainty, and risk. Sometimes it disguises itself as memories of our demoralizing 6th grade soccer coach, a tough teacher or boss, or a family member who didn’t think we were capable.
And yet, those places are where some of our best lessons and growth may reside, especially in how we lead ourselves and others.
The challenge we find in today’s culture is the popular edict of “pull yourself up by your bootstraps”. There is increasing pressure to ignore or push through the pain to find the silver lining. And of course, never let them see you sweat.
In the spiritual domain, John Melwood discussed this as a spiritual bypass, which is a "tendency to use ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.” But according to Mindfulness Coach, Cory Muscara, “There is a fine line between not fueling painful states and suppressing our true experience.” In these recent teachings, we’re learning that we NEED to have painful experiences to grow and learn and flex. We may need to be uncomfortable in order to evolve. This is not to say we are going to enjoy the process, but too often when we are in a difficult situation, we try to quickly offload the irritation or try to place a positive spin without having the true experience. And this is like putting a bandaid on an underlying infection. As we say in coaching, “If you don’t deal with this recurring issue now, the universe will keep giving you opportunities to address it.”
If a leader does not acknowledge and address discomfort, then what? What we often see in organizations, is that by avoiding our own pain and discomfort with work related items, we offload it on others. How? We see it through withdrawal, gossiping, backstabbing, avoiding the hard conversation, or having the “meeting after the meeting” in the hallway. We see this offload of hurt and sidestepping of discomfort seep into a culture of indirect communication and voila! You now have a ripple effect of yuck.
Here’s what we know, based on the thousands of leaders we have encountered through our work - everyone has something they are dealing with. Everyone has a hurt, an insecurity, a discomfort, and most of us have multiple. You are not alone. The key is to recognize it when it bubbles up, own it, and not offload it on to others. Does that take vulnerability? Yes. Is it hard at times? Yep, you betcha. But is it worth working on? Absolutely.
So, you may ask – what steps can I take to work on this discomfort? If I don’t like it, how do I embrace it - or at least acknowledge it? Here’s what we suggest to help build awareness and resiliency:
1. Recognize the physical cues – when your mind/body experiences discomfort, it may present as dry mouth, sweating, tunnel vision, etc. The body often is the first to tell you when a moment is uncomfortable for you. Learn your cues.
2. Identify your go-to reaction – do you fight, flight, freeze, or appease? Do you get angry or get lost? Know yourself and then determine if your go-to reaction best serves the situation.
3. Create a mantra – come up with an internal question that helps ground you, that keeps you curious about what you’re feeling and questions what your response should or could be. Find a trusted colleague, friend, or coach to help partner with you to challenge your stories and reactions.
4. Then wait 10 seconds – when you think you have made a decision, wait 10 seconds more. And build upon that. It might sound hokey but the more you befriend the discomfort and get curious about it – rather than shaming or burying it - the more power you have to own it so it doesn’t own you.
We don’t get through this life without pain and discomfort. Yet the more we can become aware of the causes, sit and stay curious about the discomfort and the stories we are holding, and be committed to trying new behaviors or ways of thinking, the more we are able to chart a new path for ourselves, our teams, and our organizations.
